The holidays are over, and there just wasn’t as much green in that red stocking as there was in years past for college and high-school kids. Well, fear not. Maybe Cancun is looking like Cancan’t when it comes to spring break, but we’ve got some other, let’s say, homier, suggestions to save a buck or two.
You wanna go to: Las Vegas
Because it’s got: Gambling and free drinks
But You Can’t Afford It!
So instead try: Empire City
It won’t be so bad because: Just think how much more time you can spend in the casino without all that blackjack, craps, and roulette to quickly separate you from your money. Slots are where it’s at. Nickel by nickel, you can watch the hours fly by as you and your new octogenarian friend to your left enjoy what are essentially video games…that pay out when you win! What could be better? And forget betting on horse races elsewhere in the country. You’ve got your own half-mile track right outside. Oh, and did we mention the free drinks? Yes, they’re only soda, but why would you want to impair your slot-playing ability? And don’t worry about embarrassing yourself after all that soda—what happens in Yonkers stays in Yonkers.
You wanna go to: Miami Beach
Because it’s got: Bikini lines galore
But You Can’t Afford It!
So instead try: Working at Victoria’s Secret in the Galleria
It won’t be so bad because: Double bonus! You can check out hot co-eds in skimpy clothing while making some money. Granted, you’ll have to size up a couple of larger women who swear they are two sizes smaller than they actually are. And true, the only light you’ll be getting is from the halogen bulbs overhead that hum like mosquitoes. And, don’t expect any wet T-shirt contests to spontaneously break out in the store. But…how many Cinnabons are there on Miami Beach?! Exactly!
You wanna go to: Cancun
Because it’s got: Drinks when you’re only 18!
But You Can’t Afford It!
So instead try: Your friend’s mother’s basement
It won’t be so bad because: Okay, let’s be honest—kids under 21 are drinking. And what parent would want them doing it in the warm, clothing-optional, salacious sands of a party-ridden Mexican city anyway? And kids, who needs all that temptation everywhere? Don’t forget, hotel rooms are so pricey these days, and the Mexican water simply can’t be trusted. So try splitting a handle of Vladimir Vodka in the basement of your best friend’s house. Everybody wins. And Westchester’s got some of the best H20 in the country. Oh happy day!
You wanna go to: Europe
Because it’s got: Culture
But You Can’t Afford It!
So instead try: Hudson River Museum
It won’t be so bad because: Yes, Europe’s got variety. There’s the Louvre, where you can see the Mona Lisa (overrated… we’ve seen better smiles in Crest ads), the Uffizi Gallery where you can gaze upon The Birth of Venus (we get it—she was born, it was magical), and the Prado in Madrid where your soul will be warmed by the works of El Greco, Goya, Bosch, and Van Dyck (sounds like a bad law firm). But we’ve got the Hudson River Museum, and talk about variety. The museum has six—six!—galleries in which you muse over beautiful oil paintings of landscapes…of the Hudson River, and complex photographs…of the Hudson River, and even engage in new interactive exhibits that make it easy to learn the history…of the Hudson River. Plus…the only snooty locals we have are from Greenwich.
You wanna go to: San Diego
Because it’s got: Fantastic Mexican food, a great bar scene, and amazing beaches.
But You Can’t Afford It!
So instead try: White Plains
It won’t be so bad because: Just think: all the bars you can handle in one night, within one city block. Granted, it’s just one block, but what could be more convenient? And while we don’t have the “gaslight district” like San Diego does, we have plenty of streetlights throughout the city. And as for Mexican food—well, there’s the Desert Moon Fresh Mexican Grill in The Westchester food court (and just think about the shopping) and, for a full-service dining experience, Hacienda Azteca Bar & Restaurant on Quarropas St, only a short car ride from Mamaroneck Avenue. Of course, White Plains has no Mission Beach, the Southern California strip famous for its thrilling amusement-park rides, but what’s that we hear? Playland is opening up in only two months. Westchester…here we come!
