All alone on Valentine’s Day? Hey, you may think that the 14th will be a hellish assault on your self-esteem, with you spiraling into a sinkhole of loneliness, and that lurking around every corner will be yet another reminder of how no one finds you a worthy partner. You, of course, will be correct. But it is another 24 hours of existence, and you have to get through the day, so why not make the best of it? Here’s how.
A Little Hired Pampering
Obviously, you have no one who will voluntarily massage you with a lavender body polish or apply a lovely seaweed mask to your mug. No, you’re going to have to pay someone to do it for you.
Look on the bright side: A pro will do it better, and after an hour of him or her kneading your tired and attention-deprived muscles, there will be no expectations of you returning the favor. Then you can just go to sleep with your face in that vinyl donut thing and weep for 20 minutes before they kick you out.
Give The Haven Spa & Wellness Center in Briarcliff Manor a call. They’ll be happy to make a date—for a massage, that is—with you.
Sweets for the Apparently Not-Sweet-Enough
You don’t have enough game to actually have any company on Valentine’s Day, so there’s no point in worrying about your appearance now, right? Go ahead: Reach for the chocolate. Get out those baggy pants with the elastic waistband, click the remote to your fave reality drama, and just go for it! Junk food, sweats, and mindless TV—you’ve just scored your own desperado hat trick.
Three-quarters of a pound of chocolate-dipped potato chips from Chocolations of Mamaroneck ought to induce
the perfect simple carbohydrate/salt/fat-laden coma/escape you’re looking for.
Enter an Imaginary World Where You Aren’t a Loser
Maybe you can’t have the romance you pine for, but you can at least read about it. Immerse yourself in some nauseating Nicholas Sparks crap about love knowing no bounds or travel across the charming covered bridges of Madison County with your dreamy companion.
There you’re not alone. You may have to throw up, but you won’t do it by yourself. Or, if even a tangential connection to reality is too painful, fall in love with a sexy vampire, a hobbit, or Captain Kirk. The book will go home with you; it will let you hold it in your arms; and you can even take it to bed, all without you coming up with a good line.
The Voracious Reader in Larchmont will be your wingman and hook you up.
A Pet Will Love You…Probably
You could share your miserable existence with an animal that, through centuries of selective breeding, is made to like you. Better yet, rescue a dog or a cat from a homeless shelter and they will be eternally grateful and happy to show you a modicum of affection provided you feed them regularly. That thing would have to love you, wouldn’t it? And even if it doesn’t, it’s nonverbal and you can pretend it does.
The New Rochelle Humane Society does wonderful work. Or contact Tri-State Basset Hound Rescue. Even you will look happy next to a basset.
When All Else Fails, Anesthetize
So far, all of my suggestions have been palliative. None really gets at the core of your problem. The way I look at it, you can go one of two ways: You can try to make yourself more desirable, or you can work on not caring about it. The latter is infinitely more possible, especially when you’re drunk.
Our society sometimes takes a dim view of intoxication. That’s why you need to couch the whole charade in sophistication. Treat yourself to an exquisite bottle of French Chardonnay or a delightful Italian Pinot Gris, swirl it around the glass, sniff it, admire its pallor, and then drain it down your gullet to rocket the alcohol absorption rate into the bloodstream.
Suburban Wines & Spirits in Yorktown Heights has your prescription waiting.