Have you recently seen someone with a five-o’clock shadow pushing a stroller on your street midweek? That neighbor sporting athleisure with a coffee mug rattling in their carriage’s cup holder might be a stay-at-home dad. Don’t hesitate to offer them more java — they probably need it.
The number of stay-at-home fathers has grown over the last three decades and nearly one in five at-home parents in the U.S. are dads, according to a Pew Research report. There have always been dads caring for their kids at home while their spouses support the family financially, but they typically go unnoticed. These once-elusive parents are now becoming visible (“Stay-at-Home Parent” is now a job title category on LinkedIn) and are getting out with the children.
“The superintendent of Willson’s Woods Park in Mount Vernon has been noticing more dads are inquiring about passes to take their children to the park instead of moms,” Westchester County Parks spokesperson Linda Lovallo says.
From school drop-offs to bedtime routines, some papas are taking on the role of the primary parent and are handling their children’s day-to-day caregiving. Four stay-at-home dads share their successes and challenges.
Joe Anastasio, 50, Dobbs Ferry
A part-time user experience (UX) designer who moved to Dobbs Ferry in the middle of the pandemic, this stay-at-home dad is still finding new parks and places for his twin boys to explore.
Wife: Jessica Greco is a design director for a credit card company.
Children: Remy and Rory are 3 years old.
Was it difficult leaving a full-time job to focus on being a stay-at-home parent?
The biggest challenge in that regard, especially when you’re doing design work, is how do you keep up? If I’m going to reenter the field in two or three or five years, how do I stay on trend? That has been my biggest fear all along. Fortunately, I’ve been able to avoid it by virtue of teaching design classes.
What is the most challenging part of your day?
Strangely, the mornings are not bad, because we usually have something and it’s like a bigger wake window. They have school two days a week, and then the days they don’t, they’re receiving services through early intervention [to] see a speech person. That’s been huge because four or five mornings a week we have something. It’s more toward the end of the day and they’re running around. It’s like, “OK, how do we do this?”
What do you do when you need to handle personal errands?
That’s where the challenge lies. If I have to make a dentist appointment or if the car needs inspecting, I have to sneak it in [during the twins’] nap window or when they go to school. It’s a matter of fitting things in where I can.
How’s it been supporting your wife?
She goes in [to work] three days a week. I’m like, “This is your time, you should do something socially after work. Don’t rush home.” We have a good trade-off, which I think is probably the most important thing: making sure [spouses] still have space to be themselves at least one day a week. It’s like, “OK, you’re off.” That’s when I see friends, or I will drive a little further upstate [to] hang out in the woods literally and read a book.
Dadvice:
If they’re home, they might be making a mess. Keep them out and keep them active. They’re going to see other kids and build social skills. Some kids are not great at following directions. Mine are not that great at it, but I persistently tell them to clean up. If you get any sense that they’re speech delayed or missing milestones, then see early intervention programs. It takes a little while to get them in a program just because it’s the government and everything takes longer. But once they’re in, it’s like a free speech therapist. How can you argue with that? Our speech guy comes here twice a week, and he’s awesome. — Joe
Marcus Hou, 44, Croton Falls
Marcus is a retired NYPD detective and a stay-at-home dad now getting to experience his two boys’ milestones. He’s making sure his sons brush their teeth and help one another in a multilingual household — a shift he made after a demanding career had him working difficult hours.
Wife: Jungmin Hou is a senior project engineer.
Children: Mason is 4 years old, and Tyler is 2 years old.
What’s your day like?
I try to wake up before the kids wake up, but Tyler wakes up around 5 a.m. I try to wake up before that just so I can have my coffee first — a little peace — and then go right into making their food. Packing the lunch for Mason, and maybe making two or three breakfasts because their tastes are so different. One day they might like hot dogs or eggs. The next day they might want hamburgers. After dropping off Mason, I’ll take Tyler to a local farm — he loves the animals.
How did you decide to become a stay-at-home dad?
Law enforcement has a tough schedule, and I was coming upon the opportunity of being able to retire. For me, it was a no-brainer because being in law enforcement and on the military side, I was able to see, unfortunately, how families can break up. The hardships and childcare issues were big things. A lot of things just made me realize that hey, I have this opportunity. I’m not going to let it go.
Did you have reservations about becoming a stay-at-home dad?
I wouldn’t say I embraced saying I’m going to be a stay-at-home dad, but I embraced the fact that I’m going to retire to take care of my family. Whatever perspective [people] want to take — it didn’t matter to me. I gave my time to the city and I took care of people I didn’t know. But now it’s time for my family.
The conversation around dads has changed over the past couple years. Coming from what can be considered a masculine job, what was the response from your colleagues?
They all said good luck. Not too many people in that area feel like they’re in a position where they can retire to take care of their family. It’s challenging to leave because you have opportunities. But I don’t regret it. I will miss out on those opportunities because I will never again get to experience Tyler walking for the first time.
What are the benefits of being a stay-at-home dad?
Because I wasn’t around to be able to communicate with him in English, when Mason first started preschool there was a language barrier with the other kids and the teachers [so] he didn’t like going to preschool. He felt like he was alienated because he spoke mostly Korean. It was difficult for him to pick up English because no one was really speaking to him in English. It wasn’t until I retired that his English picked up and then he loved school. That means he’s going to understand the teachers and the other kids. That’s one of the benefits. That’s because we’re a multilingual family.
Dadvice:
Let them speak. And let them do it. You know, you might ask them a question, they might take a minute or two, but be patient with it and ask them again. Give them guidance from your experience. Be patient and don’t feel guilty. “I’m not doing it right,” or “This is only happening to me?” No. It could be happening to other stay-at-home dads. Share your experience as best you can. My wife and I have two different parenting styles. When my wife goes into her parenting mode, I step back, and let her do her thing. I believe she does the same for me. —Marcus
David Sparano, 48, Pelham
David is a veteran stay-at-home dad who’s been managing school drop-offs, doctor’s appointments, and field trips with his two kids for more than a decade. A former product manager in investment banking, he has embraced full-time parenting and mentors other parents with his longtime involvement in the Parent-Teacher Association in Pelham.
Wife: Amy Sparano is in real estate.
Children: Jack is 14 years old, and Eva is 11 years old.
Tell me about becoming a stay-at-home dad.
I last worked in an office setting in August of 2010, and I’ve been home since. It’s been great. We understood that we were going to have to cut back, but we had a bigger picture. By the time Jack was in first grade, one year later, they asked me to become the Pelham PTA co-president and then I became the PTA president … and I’ve been super-involved ever since. We have a really active dads’ club in our school.
How was embracing being a stay-at-home dad early on when there weren’t as many?
Many of my peers make the comment “Mr. Mom.” I’ve heard that comment more times than I can remember. It’s not an insult. It’s just something that people of my generation who are pushing 50 had as a reference. It’s like, “Oh, you stay home with the kids? That’s wild, Mr. Mom.” I’m not offended. I like the movie, too.
Now that your kids are older, what are the challenging parts?
It’s nothing to do with the kids, it’s more to do with myself. I have an eighth grader, but he wakes himself up and jumps in the shower. I make his lunch but that’s nothing. My daughter is in fifth grade, and we live close to the school. She gets herself ready. I make her breakfast. The biggest challenge I’ve been having is: What will I do for the next phase of my life?
How do your kids react to you being a stay-at-home dad?
I don’t think [they’ve] ever asked why I stay home. It’s just always been known. I think they would question why I’d go back to work. They love seeing me in school. I’m in their school four out of the five days doing something. I also do substitute teaching. People ask, “Would you be a stay-at-home dad again?” Absolutely. All the sacrifices I have made have been wonderful. We have no regrets.
Dadvice:
I would say my No. 1 tip for everybody is don’t sweat the small stuff. In 100 years, we’ll be dead, and it won’t matter. What will matter is your kids will tell their kids that they had a really awesome dad. That’s what really matters. — David
Hank Meehan, 35, New Rochelle
Having worked in hospitality for 10 years and now transitioning into IT, Hank stays home with his twin babies, juggling feeding both boys at once while finding time to cook for them and his wife who works 12-hour shifts as a nurse.
Wife: Julie Meehan is a nurse anesthetist.
Children: Henry II and Owen are 11 months old.
What’s it like being a stay-at-home dad?
It’s amazing. Each day I wake up with them. It’s amazing seeing them first rollover and now they’re smiling and laughing — and screaming. It’s a bit challenging because they are twins. When my wife’s working, it’s double bathtime, double feeding — double everything. It’s definitely hard and rewarding. Do I wish our positions were swapped? Absolutely. I would love my wife to experience what I’m experiencing. She just had a better job. It would be egotistical for me to put our family in a worse scenario so I could be a provider.
Tell me about managing making dinner.
I actually try to sparse it out throughout the day. During [the twins’] nap, I make the vegetable and warm it up later. Then I save the main for last. They’ve really gotten acclimated here very fast — other than moving day and the day after, which was a true nightmare; they were not sleeping.
What’s the toughest time of day?
In terms of things to do (and most stressful) is the hour and a half before bedtime when we’re doing solid foods. Then I clean them up and we have bath time — then a bedtime routine and stories and get them down. My shift is all night. My wife is in the medical field, so she works 12-hour days.
Was it a difficult decision to become a stay-at-home dad?
I never really cared if there was a social stigma. My wife’s in a far more lucrative field. Part of being a man is shutting up and doing what’s best for your family. We weighed it and we’re just like, “You’ve got to stay home.”
Dadvice:
Avoid other people’s advice, honestly. The more people will tell you — brush it off. Very few pieces of advice stick. Do what you think is best. Hear advice, but don’t always listen to it. Try to learn patience. My patience has gotten a lot better. — Hank
Christopher L.L. Vaughan is a freelance writer and disabled stay-at-home dad to a curious toddler. He covers disability and parenthood with his work appearing in The New York Times and USA Today. He is also writing a memoir about growing up with cerebral palsy amid family upheaval in Westchester County. Chris lives in Tarrytown with his wife Lisa and their son Noah.
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