It all happened so fast. Danielle DeZao’s boyfriend exploded in rage after a concert, threatened suicide, threw her across the hotel room, and later, as she drove away, he smashed the car windshield and grabbed her cellphone. She feared she’d never get home alive.
Only nine months earlier, DeZao, 19 at the time, had met the handsome sophomore at college. He’d lavished her with attention, affection, and praise — love bombing — before it turned to possessiveness, jealousy, manipulation, belittling, rage, blaming, and finally, the first shove, bruise, and bloodied eyelid.
“In that car, I had felt [like a] hostage,” DeZao says. “And I thought, if I’m lucky enough to make it home, I owe it to myself to listen to this voice inside that was whispering, now screaming at me to pay attention.”
Back at her dorm, she called and told her parents and a college security officer everything. She was stunned when the dean of student affairs identified her experience: relationship abuse.
These days, victim advocates and counselors prefer the term “intimate partner violence” to domestic violence because abuse doesn’t necessarily occur at home. “It’s about the relationship, not the location,” says CarlLa Horton, executive director of Hope’s Door, a Hawthorne-based organization seeking to end intimate partner violence and to empower victims to achieve safety, independence, and healing. It’s a tall order: Westchester County’s police departments filed 12,203 domestic incident reports in 2022, the latest complete data available, a 9% increase from the 11,156 reports in 2020 when abuse skyrocketed during the pandemic lockdowns.
“An abusive person has an insatiable need for power and control and finds whatever vulnerabilities they can,”
The hotline at Hope’s Door received 1,885 calls in fiscal year 2024 — up 27% from fiscal 2023. That’s 135% more calls than prepandemic when the hotline fielded 801 calls in fiscal 2019. “Does that mean domestic violence is increasing? Maybe. Or maybe more people are overcoming the barriers of reporting it,” Horton says.
DeZao, now 34, is an advocate for Hope’s Door, The Purple Thread, and other organizations. She has shared her story of survival and empowerment with students at several schools in the county.
Finding the Weak Spot
Intimate partner abuse comes in many shades; it’s often part of a pattern and gets progressively worse. Sometimes the abuse starts with verbal insults, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and isolation from friends and family before further sinking its claws into its prey — rich or poor, young or old, American-born or immigrant, abled or disabled, and straight or LGBTQ+.
“No one is going to hit you on the first date. The emotional signs show first, and those are harder to spot,” says DeZao. She recalls how her rosy relationship with her college boyfriend darkened when he demanded to look through her phone and computer, forcing her to delete male friends on social media because he didn’t trust other men and wanted to protect her.
Horton says the abuser might find something “uniquely compelling or of concern to a victim,” such as “outing” a person in a same-sex relationship, taking a wheelchair away from a disabled partner, or threatening to report an undocumented immigrant to customs officials.
Another survivor, Nnenna Akoma-Ononaji, who has a hearing disability that affects her speech, felt abused by her husband when he told her nobody wanted to listen to her and she made no sense. In their early stages of dating, she saw signs of his psychological manipulation, which made her afraid. She wanted to get away, but he was from the same culture as her immigrant parents and insinuated himself back into the family and relationship. Years later, Akoma-Ononaji started talking to a psychologist for relationship advice, but she learned instead that she was in an unhealthy, abusive situation that would never improve. While she understood her husband needed help, he refused it, she says, and she had to keep herself and her children safe.
“Narcissistic abuse can make you feel like nobody, and it can take a long time to heal. You have to rewrite your own story,” says Akoma-Ononaji, who attends a Westchester Jewish Community Services support group and advocates for prevention and healing through Hope’s Door and NewYork Presbyterian’s DOVE Program. “With the power of love and support, you can help others through their journey. And there is healing. Your abuse is not who you are. Your survival is who you are. These resources do work. Drop the shame and just talk about it.”
Digital Danger
By the age of 18, one out of every four young women who’s dated has experienced physical violence, according to the Westchester County Office for Women. Digital abuse is also common, says Shannon Luke, senior youth educator at Hope’s Door.
Luke’s Love Shouldn’t Hurt prevention program offers workshops in 24 high schools and more than 20 middle schools in the county. “I find that once [the students] do start to talk about it, they have a lot of revelations. They learn that behavior they thought was normal is wrong,” she says. “There’s a big problem with ‘sextortion’ [in middle schools] where students are demanding explicit images, or they send unsolicited images to one another.”
Sixth graders have said they’ve felt pressured to share their cellphone passwords or locations with a boyfriend or girlfriend to prove their love or trustworthiness. Creating a fake social media account to stalk someone is almost normalized. Also, some abusers use geotagging to track their partner to an exact address.
“So much technology has changed. We might have seen more physical bullying in schools 20 years ago, but now it’s also online and through social [and] gaming. And the language has changed,” says Jennifer Herbert, vice president of programs at The Joe Torre Safe At Home Foundation.
Torre, the former Yankees manager, witnessed the trauma of abuse when he was a child. As an adult, he and his wife Ali co-founded Safe At Home in 2002, which now has 20 Margaret’s Place intervention programs nationwide, including three in Westchester. Named in honor of Torre’s mother, the programs create a safe space in grade schools, offering trauma-informed intervention and prevention services for empowerment, education, and understanding.
This shape-shifter we call abuse is all about control and power. In the last four years, the use of AI, cellphones, GPS trackers, and laptops has had a “tremendous impact” on abuse sufferers, says Micheline Chretien, coordinator of nonresidential services at White Plains-based My Sisters’ Place, which has fought domestic violence and human trafficking in the county for almost 50 years. Chretien’s clients may have escaped their homes, but they’re still likely being tracked through their electronic devices — sometimes even via smartphones given to their children by the other parent.
“It’s tough enough to decide that you no longer want to be with your significant other that you love so much, but then all these other layers of technologies come into play…[as] a way of confining the individual,” Chretien says. “It’s almost like you’re in a prison, as long as you have this type of technology.”
“It’s almost like you’re in a prison, as long as you have this type of technology.”
Jamison Tyler, My Sisters’ Place manager of youth education and prevention, shares what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like. He’s speaking not only to those being harmed but also to those doing the harm.
“My role is to help the students identify what is OK and what is not — and to build empathy,” Tyler says.
Money Matters
Cynthia Knox sees a lot of financial abuse through her work as CEO of Caring for the Hungry and Homeless of Peekskill, which includes Rehousing In Supportive Environments, to help survivors find stability through housing, case management, counseling, employment services, and the purchase of groceries if needed.
An abusive partner might control all the money to keep the victim dependent. Or they could purposely not pay the bills to ruin the victim’s credit so he or she can’t qualify for an apartment or a job. “We help [our clients] with budgeting and financial empowerment,” Knox says. “As housing and other necessities of life become so much more precious and less affordable, it’s been much more difficult for domestic violence survivors.”
“You need to know you can trust yourself and reach out for help.”
A stay-at-home mom who’s somewhat new to Westchester, S. Owen* remained with her physically abusive husband for years. Decades earlier, she’d had a similar dangerous dynamic with a boyfriend when she immigrated to the U.S. from the United Kingdom, knew no one, and struggled financially. The isolation, psychological manipulation, and economic vulnerability were the same in both instances.
“Ultimately, it was about fear,” Owen recalls about leaving her ex-husband. “What would I do for a living? How would I support the children and their well-being? And I didn’t get married to get divorced.”
Like DeZao, Owen was on a trip with her partner when something shifted in her as he threw her across the room, bloodied her head, and bruised her naked body. Owen snuck away to a police station in the middle of the night, had him arrested, and finally told her parents.
“I have grown exponentially since then,” says Owen, who has become an advocate for local organizations. “I am unrecognizable to myself from the time I left that marriage. As hard as it’s been, it’s been an opening, growing, reclaiming — and a new relationship with myself.”
DeZao agrees that the sooner you become aware of and identify the abuse, the better. “I was able to feel empowered through this,” she says. “You need to know you can trust yourself and reach out for help.”
When abuse does get physical, there’s a relatively new way to determine how likely the relationship will end in murder. As coordinator of the domestic violence high-risk team for the Westchester County Office for Women, Nancy Tunis trains police officers to handle domestic incidents, sometimes using the Lethality Assessment Protocol, which asks 11 questions to determine whether the case is at high risk of ending in death.
The program, which partners with organizations such as Hope’s Door New York and My Sisters’ Place, began in 2017 with a grant for five communities in Northern Westchester after a Pound Ridge domestic murder-suicide.
Since then, every police officer in Westchester County — more than 3,500 officers in 43 municipalities, including county and state officers — knows how to use the form, Tunis says. “We spend a lot of time training them in how to do a trauma-informed interview slowly, carefully, to listen for how to respond, to never to say ‘Why didn’t you leave?’ and to watch facial expressions,” she says.
If the victim’s answers rate their situation as high risk, right on the spot, the officer calls the Westchester Medical Center’s Domestic Violence High-Risk Team; there’s a dedicated police line to explain the circumstances to the advocate.
If deemed necessary, the victim then gets on the phone to create an immediate safety plan. To follow up, the advocate calls or texts the victim 24 to 48 hours later, sometimes offering more resources, trying two or three times if there’s no response.
“So many people believe if you’re not beaten up, you’re not a victim of domestic violence. But it’s financial, sexual, stalking, controlling, name-calling,” Tunis says. “Battering is sometimes the least of it. A lot of abusers know not to leave marks. It’s anything that intimidates the victim repeatedly.”
Resources
Hope’s Door New York
Bilingual hotline: 888.438.8700
24-hour, confidential services include safety shelters and resources, legal, economic, and emotional support and advocacy. Offices in Hawthorne, Ossining, and White Plains.
My Sisters’ Place
914.298.7233; Hotline 24/7: 800.298.7233
Comprehensive supportive and legal services for victims of domestic violence. Based in White Plains.
Westchester County Office for Women
914.995.5972; Spanish: 914.995.6581
Valhalla-based central resource for issues concerning women and families: domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking, sexual harassment, legal issues, employment, child care, education, equal pay, financial planning, women’s health, caregiving, and aging.
Westchester Jewish Community Services
914.949.7699 ext. 2471
— The Trager Lemp Center in Hartsdale uses research-proven treatment and services to help survivors heal from the trauma of abuse, violence, and other adverse life experiences.
914.423.4433 ext. 3221
— The Nurturing Parenting program in Yonkers is a support group for mothers and their children who are affected by domestic violence.
Joe Torre Safe at Home Foundation, Margaret’s Place
Prevention and support for children affected by domestic violence.
The Purple Thread
Guides clients toward self-connection with one-on-one and group experiences and content focused on personal development, holistic health.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
800.799.7233 (SAFE) or 800.787.3224
Teen Dating Violence Hotline
866.331.9474
Do you suspect someone is being abused by their intimate partner? Here’s what to do.
“Focus on your loved one. Say ‘I know something is going on, and I love you, and I am here for you whenever you’re ready.’ Don’t vilify the abuser or say: ‘That person is no good for you.’”
— Danielle DeZao, survivor and advocate
“Give that person [hotline and resource] information. Listen and help without judging or blaming them for being abused. Remember, it could happen to anyone. And if you know someone who is hurting another person, ask yourself: ‘Do I want to be associated with an abuser? Is there a trusted [person] I can take this to?’”
— County Office for Women
“Be willing to listen without judgment. Seek help from a trusted adult. Provide supportive resources. Remind the person they’re not alone, and they have your support. They’ll seek help when they’re ready but let them know you’re a safe person to come to.”
— Jennifer Herbert, vice president of programs at Joe Torre Safe Home Foundation
“If there is a suspicion, take them aside and ask, and just say ‘I’m here for you if you want to talk.’”
— S. Owen*, survivor and advocate
*Name partially withheld at the request of the interviewee.
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