Couples Therapy Can Have a Meaningful Impact, According to Westchester Experts

Couples therapy is more popular than ever—and not just for relationships on the rocks. Here's why even solid unions can benefit from heartfelt sessions with a marriage expert.

Whether it’s Saving Our Marriage on Netflix or Couples Therapy on Show time, where real couples sit with a therapist and air out their dirty laundry, or Where Should We Begin?, famed psychotherapist Esther Perel’s podcast in which real couples bare their souls during real sessions with her, couples therapy has become more than a little bit normalized.

“I think pop culture has definitely reduced some of the mystery around therapy,” says Jennifer Jordan, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist at The Counseling Center in Bronxville. “Once you can picture what a session is like with someone like me, it doesn’t seem as scary.”

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Turns out, it’s not just social acceptability that’s encouraging couples to try therapy. Recent traumatic events, particularly the pandemic, have been another huge driver for people who once wouldn’t dream of seeing a therapist to reconsider the idea, says Judith Zackson, PhD, clinical director of Greenwich Psychology Group in Greenwich, Connecticut.

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“COVID led to a big increase in couples seeking therapy,” says Zackson. And the trend spans the globe: According to one British study, more than half of therapists reported an increase in individuals presenting with relationship issues in the past year. “We all got to know our partners way better during that time,” says Zackson, “and we all got on each other’s nerves.”

Jusine Carino, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor in White Plains who works with couples agrees that pandemic stress helped some couples see he value in working through their problems with an expert. “Since COVID, I’ve found that people are way more open to going to therapy,” Carino says.

But, the experts agree, it shouldn’t take a stressful lockdown for a couple to consider the strength of their relationship. And no one should wait until their marriage is on life support to sit down and work through issues with a pro.

Couples therapy is most effective, of course, when both people are open to it and willing to be vulnerable. Ultimately, says Jill Spielberg, a family law attorney in White Plains, one of the most valuable reasons to consider couples’ therapy is that it’s an opportunity for each person to take accountability for his or her contribution to the problems in the relationship, all in a neutral space. The goal: To recognize the positives in each other rather than focusing on the negatives.

“Each person needs to remain open to the other’s perspective, which will enable each party to be reminded of what they once appreciated about the other,” she says. “Learning and appreciating the love language of a partner and realizing that feeling loved and appreciated looks different to everyone has been he key to making it work for couples I’ve seen on the brink of separating.”

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One of the smartest things you can do before you walk down the aisle is to book a few therapy sessions, says Karen Rosen, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and couples’ therapist in Ardsley. Leading the list of potential hot topics? Money, time, sex/intimacy, religion, coping with stress generally, and, of course, family.

“During these sessions, we can have deep discussions,” Rosen says. “This is when I can intervene so the couple can—in a healthy way—begin to differentiate themselves from their families of origin.” Rosen adds that this is critically important because marriage isn’t just a merger with one person, you’re joining a new family dynamic, too.

“There can be turmoil in families. So getting to know each other’s backgrounds, each other’s triggers, and where their wounds are is really important and sets the couple up for success in a really healthy way,” says Rosen.

Waiting for disaster to strike is old-fashioned thinking. Therapy can also help you develop communication skills that enable you to share your feelings productively without hurting your partner’s feelings in the process, Carino says.

“I always tell my couples who come in for premarital counseling that they’re doing the right thing,” she says. “You shouldn’t wait until you’re married to talk about stuff, including how many kids you want to have. There are so many things that get triggered in relationships that need to be talked about.”

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These sessions should get granular, right down to the precise division of labor at home. “People take in what their parents did and that might set them up for traditional gender roles, but maybe that’s not right for you,” Carino says, adding that it’s very important to discuss expectations around careers, family support, religion, sex life—even how you vacation. “I urge couples to identify and unpack the template of what they know from their families of origin and think very specifically about how they’re bringing that into the relationship.”

Seek Help When Big Challenges Arise

If you’ve been happily married for years and suddenly feel like you’ve hit a bump in the road, you’re not alone. It may be obvious, but throughout your life with your partner, you will face challenges over finances, children, health issues, dealing with an empty nest and, even, retirement.

“If a couple comes in because they’re hitting a wall, I’ll do a basic blueprint of their family history together,” Rosen says. “I’ll ask them ‘what’s going on here?’ and ‘what are you bringing into this relationship from your families of origin?’ It might be that these two people are coming up against old wounds.”

Creating a safe place to work on some of the historical things that are impacting your relationship is very important, especially when times are tough. In addition, having different opinions on everything from politics to religion may be what attracted you to this person—but it’s how you discuss these issues that matters most, Carino says.

“You can have different points of view on major issues as long as you’re fighting effectively,” she says. “When you fight effectively, you’re not injuring the other person. You aren’t speaking to that person with criticisms and contempt. Will it be challenging to differ in opinions? Yes. But you can learn to work things out.”

If you can catch discord when the moment arises, that’s optimal, Jordan says, adding that the more anger, resentment, loneliness, and hurt builds up, the more time and courage it takes to work through that with a therapist.

“Couples shouldn’t wait until there’s an explosive issue to speak with someone,” she says. “In marriage, we get into little patterns and little dances that grow and become more extreme over time. If we catch things early, it’s so much easier to help them.”

And, if you decide to seek help from a therapist, try to steer clear of friends who might judge you for making this decision, Carino urges. “No matter how much more open we are about therapy these days, some people still feel insecure about it,” Carino says. “They think that if they’re in therapy it’s a sign they shouldn’t be with their spouse. Others worry about what their friends will say when they hear you’re in therapy. They may think something is wrong, but, in truth, therapy can be one of the best things you can do to stay together.”

Regular Maintenance Is Essential

Like a car that needs periodic tune-ups, all relationships need maintenance. And, whether this includes seeing a therapist once a month or twice a year, scheduling check-ins can be valuable.

“Subtle power struggles is one of the patterns that can follow a relationship for years,” says Jordan. “If both people are working, there’s stress around time, who’s making the decisions, and who is carrying the emotional weight of the family.”

Focusing too much on the children is another recurring issue that can be helped by occasional counseling. “A couple may be excellent partners, but they may have lost a sense of intimacy and connection because their children have become too much of a focus,” Jordan says.

Checking in with a marriage therapist is all about making sure you’re continuing to invest in your relationship. “When you keep repeating the same fights, and criticizing and dismissing each other, you’ll build up resentments against your partner and, ultimately, deplete your emotional bank,” Zackson says. “That’s when the real problems happen.”

In the end, having a couples’ therapist “on reserve” can make all the difference in how strong your relationship is today, and for years to come. “This person knows your love story and can stabilize you along the way,” Rosen says. “As therapists, we’re observers of peoples’ lives and can be really helpful, especially throughout the course of a long relationship.”

5 Reasons a Marriage Can’t Be Saved

There can be certain red flags that may suggest that a marriage should not continue. We asked Justine Carino, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor in White Plains who works with couples, to spell out what constitutes those hopeless situations.

1. There’s physical or emotional abuse. “As a therapist, I wouldn’t want a relationship to be saved if there is physical or emotional abuse” she says. “I assess for that right away and wouldn’t feel comfortable doing couples’ therapy if that’s the case. In fact, the goal would be to help the victim get out of an unsafe situation”

2. The way you argue is getting out of control. “It’s very normal for couples to fight over the same things over and over again” she says. “I don’t think fighting is a predictor of a mismatch—it’s about how people fight. If these two people are highly critical during a fight, if there’s a ton of resentment, if they’re dismissive, disrespectful, have feelings of contempt, or there’s violence during these confrontations, this may be something that just can’t be overcome.”

3. One or both partners are super rigid. “When there’s a layer of inflexibility in one or both parties or when the two spouses are so rigid in their beliefs that they’re unwilling to compromise and be flexible, this may end up being too big of a problem to fix,” she says.

4. There’s no growth. “If one partner does a ton of work on themselves and the other partner isn’t willing to, it’s common for the one doing the work to outgrow the marriage and feel that there’s no choice but to end the relationship,” she says.

5. Infidelity is continuing. “If a couple is in an open relationship and is even OK with a partner having sex outside the marriage with other people, that’s one thing,” she says. “But, if there’s an ongoing affair, the person doesn’t want to stop the affair, and continues engaging in infidelity, it’s game over.”

Related: A Look Into Domestic Violence and Survivor Resources in Westchester

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