After months of independence, studying, and partying, summer break is here—a time for your son or daughter to return home for a long stretch, reconnect, and settle back into familiar comforts. But for college kids and their families, things may feel a little different and some adjustments will no doubt be necessary for a smooth transition back home.
Melissa Marcogliese, a real estate agent and resident of Pound Ridge, has been welcoming home each of her three college-aged children for school breaks over the past few years. She says the re-entry can be a mix of joy and compromise when everyone is living under the same roof again. “There is a sign on my kitchen bulletin board that reads ‘Under My Roof, My Rules,’” says Marcogliese. “We make it clear with some honest talk about how things have to go: weeknights, they must be home by 11 p.m.—because I am disrupted after that.” On weekends, if her kids plan to be out past midnight, she prefers they sleep at a friend’s house. Marcogliese humorously adds that her other expectations include that her kids remain ‘productive members of society’ by not sleeping all day and not treating the kitchen like a 24-hour diner. “No alcohol will be consumed in my house for anyone under 21 years old—I did not make the law, but we will abide by it.”
These are common concerns and conflicts that arise when students come home, according to family therapist and parent coach Alexis Santiago-Autar, who practices in Harrison. Whether it’s drinking or smoking pot, using the car, or not wanting to share plans and whereabouts, college kids will want to continue campus behaviors. While it’s important to honor a young adult’s independence, says Santiago-Autur, setting boundaries for them around what is acceptable to you as a parent is essential.
“Remember it’s your house, and you can determine what you are comfortable with, but it is all about compromise. I try to encourage parents to see their child’s perspective and suggest sitting with them to come up with ground rules that can be made while they are home,” Santiago-Autar says. “It is also important to let some things go and to really pick your battles; if they want to stay in their room most of the day, well maybe that is okay.”
“Establishing clear expectations before your student comes home is optimal,” says family therapist and parent coach Alexis Santiago-Autar.
Establishing clear expectations before your student comes home is optimal, she adds, and “validating them and letting them know you see them as an independent young adult is really important.” Westchester mom Jacqueline Reilly agrees with that advice. “When my college son comes home, he is entering our world now,” she says, “and he seems to be realizing that, so we are very patient and understanding of the new dynamic; maybe he is missing his friends or he feels bored—we try to give him space.”
When it comes to college boyfriends or girlfriends staying overnight, each family has their own philosophy, so having the discussion, however awkward, is key to avoiding disagreements around the issue.
“No sleeping in the same room, that is not happening in my house,” Marcogliese says. “In every situation, I take a moment to pause and think about what is right to do—I believe that if you want your kids to behave right, you have to be an example to live by and instill in them what is right from early on, and it is working so far.”
Sarah Lawrence College freshman Crow Melvin says coming home is generally a happy time but also believes that after successfully navigating the pressures of college life, a student deserves to be treated with a new sort of respect, and more leniency from their parents. “A lot of it comes from overcorrection; parents aren’t used to having their kids around anymore, so when they’re back home, they tend to be more present and, at times, overbearing,” Melvin says. “The same can be said for students, as their newfound freedom, which until now was absolute, is ripped away for a few months. It results in good portion of the summer being a seesaw, trying to find a balance.”
However, adds Melvin, “Being around family is an experience that those of us who go to college far away don’t get very often during the year and although there is admittedly some annoyance over the little things, like being asked to help with chores or being checked in on all the time again, there is also an element of joy.”
A Cheat Sheet of Smart Tips
- Keep the lines of communication open
- Honor your child’s independence and autonomy
- Revisit the rules of the house considering they have not lived at home for a while
- Negotiate on rules where possible and be clear on what are non-negotiables
- Try not to give unsolicited advice. Give it when it’s asked for
- Speak as though you are all adults in the home
- Try not to be offended when they don’t want to spend as much time with you as before
- Encourage and applaud your child’s self-sufficiency
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